


what you do to me

by alwayswithatoneofsurprise



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Christmas, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, Invitations, Love Confessions, M/M, New Years, New Years Eve, New Years Eve party, Phone Calls, Pining, Predominantly Chris/Sebastian, Romance, Slow Build, other characters only minimally included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 17:36:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3076313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwayswithatoneofsurprise/pseuds/alwayswithatoneofsurprise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A last minute New Year's Eve party invitation, a Christmas phone call, a bruised cheekbone and a night to remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what you do to me

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know these people, and I mean no offence to the actors or anything, this is purely fictional, although a girl can dream can’t she. There can never be enough evanstan in this world, so here's a little more...

-

The world outside is painted white, the snow hurling itself at the window at every opportunity it gets, but Sebastian pays no mind to the world outside. Tucked under a blanket, one leg folded, a cup of tea resting on his knee, he mouths along with the tv, gasping as Ross says the wrong name, he’s seen this episode half a dozen times before but it doesn’t make him love it any less. He should be out Christmas shopping, but with the weather outside so frosty, and almost all his Christmas shopping completed already, Sebastian can find no reason at all to be anywhere but lounging on his couch, waiting for Netflix to put up the first episode of season five. From his bedroom his phone buzzes again, but he ignores it, instead taking another sip of his tea, grinning at the tv screen, lost in a world of Central Perk and sarcasm, laughing as Emily elbows Ross in the stomach.

Two hours later Sebastian picks his phone up off his bed, his long fingers curling around it as he runs his other hand through his hair, wondering what he should wear for dinner with Mackie as he unlocks his phone. He has a few texts, but one in particular catches his eye. It’s from Chris, no doubt a general text sent out to few dozen people at least, but that doesn’t stop Sebastian from smiling at the invitation waiting in his inbox, an invitation to Chris’ New York apartment in less than a week and a half. His thumb hovers above the screen, unsure how to put ‘ _fuck yes’_ far more eloquently when his screen changes, his phone starts to ring in his hand.

“Hey.” Sebastian answers on the second ring, unable, nor trying to keep the smile off his face.

He heads towards the kitchen, his phone pressed against his ear, waiting for the voice on the other end of the line, the voice he hasn’t heard for two weeks now and he didn’t know how desperately he’d missed it, until the voice says almost shyly, “Hi, uh, it’s Chris.”

“Yeah I got that, ain’t caller id handy?” Sebastian smirks.

Chris laughs, short and brief but it seems to relax him a little, leaving Sebastian unsure as to why he was nervous in the first place, and Chris’ voice is almost sounding like his own as he replies, “Right yeah, course.”

“Got your text, was uh, just replying to it actually.” Sebastian doesn’t really know why he’s nervous, he’s good friends with Chris, with all the cast after Winter Soldier, but it still surprises him when they actually want to chat, to meet up. Now that they are no longer contractually obliged to see him on a daily basis, it surprises him that they still want to. Chris remains silent on the other end of the line, and Sebastian waits a few more seconds, flicks on the kettle and grabs a mug, before he asks, “Since when are you throwing a New Years’ Eve Party?”

“It’s sort of last minute I know, I totally understand if you already have pla-“ Chris starts, and Sebastian knows him well enough that he is going to ramble nervously for a few minutes if he doesn’t put an indeed to it soon.

Pulling the phone from his ear, his thumb taps the screen as he smiles, just listening to the sound of Chris’ voice. He thinks it’s adorable, the way he rambles, something he’d never tell Chris, but he doesn’t have time for it now, so even though he’s missed it, he puts Chris out of his misery and cuts across him, “I just RSVP-ed.”

There’s a pause, where Chris checks his messages and then sighs, half with exasperation, the other half fondness, “You could have just said yes.” Sebastian chuckles, which only prompts another sigh from Chris, and Sebastian doesn’t regret his text even a little bit, he missed that sound escaping Chris’ lips, and he shakes his head, a gesture that Chris isn’t able to see and searches for the tea bag he had in his hand only a second ago.

“You want a verbal yes, yes I’m free, I’ll come.” Sebastian’s eyes are wandering the kitchen as he leaves his phone on the bench, Chris on speakerphone, his voice filling the silence of Sebastian’s apartment, and when he lets his eyelids flutter shut briefly, just for a second, it feels like he’s here.

Chris’ nervous voice floods the room as he asks, his voice hitched, “Really?”

“Course, I rsvp-ed and everything.” Sebastian replies lightly, not wanting to let Chris’ tone get to him.

“Well, uh, awesome.” Sebastian can actually hear Chris smiling, and tries not to grin in reply, as he attempts not to focus on how eager Chris sounds, how Sebastian managed to make him sound so happy just be saying that he was coming.

Boiling water fills Sebastian’s mug and he waits for Chris to speak again, but there is only silence, warm, safe silence where Sebastian can only hear Chris’ breath on the other end and somehow he feels like Chris is still smiling, and for some reason that he well knows but doesn’t want to think about, that makes him smile too, and after a few more seconds, he forces himself to break the silence and ask, “What do you want me to bring?”

“To my party? Nothing.” Chris answers, a laugh dancing off his lips and filling Sebastian’s kitchen. He leans into it, against the bench, towards the phone and then it’s his turn to sigh.

Sebastian remains where he is, it’s not like Chris can see him he tells himself as his forearms rest against the marble countertop. He lets Chris laugh for a few more seconds before he sighs again and talks over Chris’ laugh that hasn’t petered out just yet, “Hey don’t laugh, I always feel weird coming empty handed.”

“Uh huh.” He knows the smile that touches Chris’ lips now, the sparkle in his eyes and even though he doesn’t see it, not really, he almost can, but oh how he wishes he could.

Instead he puts milk into his tea and stirs it, his gaze leisurely scanning his apartment before he pauses, his eyes on the bags of presents, covering the arm chair and lounging haphazardly on the floor where he had placed them the other day. Smiling he reservedly takes a sip of his tea, knowing full well that it is too still too hot, but he sips at it anyway.

“You’re too impatient.” Chris chuckles as Sebastian hisses and places his mug back on the counter, glaring at it, as he ignores Chris’ comment. Chris knows what he did, knows he sipped his tea too soon, and Sebastian ignores the thoughts in his heads that pop up when that thought occurs to him.

Returning to their conversation before the scalding tea, Sebastian answers, “Oh, never mind, I’ll bring your present.”

There’s a pause, a slight hitch in breath that Sebastian barely notices before Chris questions, “My what?”

“Present.” Sebastian says casually as he glares at his tea, wanting to take a sip but knowing it won’t have cooled down yet. The presents not a big deal, he knows it isn’t, but he still looks to distract himself with something for this part of the conversation.

Another pause, and then Chris asks, “Why?”

“Well there’s this thing called Christmas, I’ve heard you Americans are pretty big on it over here actually, it happens once-” Sebastian is smirking and he can hear Chris sigh, which makes him fight off a laugh.

“You got me a Christmas present?” Chris asks, his voice more than a little disbelieving, completely surprised by the idea, but Sebastian almost blushes at how touched Chris sounds. Sebastian hears a voice in the background, and then Chris shushes whoever it is, and there is a laugh on the other end that sounds remarkably like Chris’ brother Scott.

Without pondering what Scott’s laugh could possibly be in reference to, Sebastian saunters towards his laptop, wondering if he should have checked his emails already today as he answers, “Course. You didn’t get me anything?”

“Uh-”

Sebastian is still smirking, he’s missed teasing Chris, but his hesitant reply makes the smirk drop as he hurriedly starts, “I’m only kidding you don’t hav-”

“Already have Basha, you know me and holidays, couldn’t possibly half ass it, got you a gift.” Chris answers, and Sebastian groans, which only makes Chris laugh.  There’s a clatter in the background and a strangled shout before Chris’ laughter stops and shifts into a groan. “My Aunt just dropped like a million plates, I gotta go, see you New Years?” Chris almost sounds desperate as he finishes, his voice shy again, and Sebastian doesn’t want to end this conversation with shyness, not his own and especially not Chris’.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Sebastian grins.

And if he’s still grinning half an hour later when he leaves the warmth of his apartment to go meet Mackie for dinner, it may have something to do with the hilarity of Friends, but it may have a little more to do with his conversation, either way, he’s grinning despite the cold wind that affronts him as soon as he reaches the street, but he finds he doesn’t even care, not really, not at all.

-

Another glass of eggnog of hand, Sebastian sits in front of the fire, his legs dangly over the edge of the chair, his phone resting on his lap, as he mulls over whether or not he should text Chris. He knows he’s busy with his family, it’s Christmas, and Chris is big on family and big on these holidays, so he will no doubt be surrounded by relatives, so he won’t call, but that doesn’t stop Sebastian from sending him a text, one he was going to send this morning before he was side tracked by wrapping paper and cello tape.

_Merry Christmas_

He doesn’t expect a reply, and for an hour he doesn’t get one. It isn’t until his eyes are closed and his fingers are skimming over the ivory keys, that his phone vibrates against the couch, unheard and ignored. His whole body relaxed as he plays, he doesn’t listen to the music he creates, he chooses rather, to focus on the crackling of the fire place, the soft voices of those around him, and of course his mother singing from where she is lying face up on the couch, Sebastian doesn’t have to see her face to know that she is smiling up at the ceiling, lost in her thoughts.

The song finishes and the room falls into silence for a breath, a moment before the chattering starts and someone requests Sebastian to play something else, even though they all know that his mother is far better than he is, but his phone vibrates and doesn’t pause, it’s not a text this time, it’s a call.

He doesn’t even attempt to fight the grin that curls his lips as he reaches his phone, the caller id telling him it’s Chris, his smiling face is flashing, and Sebastian slips out of the room as he answers, “Hey.”

“Merry Christmas Basha!” Chris’ voice is warm and a little slurred; no doubt but copious amounts of eggnog and beer consumed in the last few hours, it is Christmas after all, and Christmas means family, and family means drinking if you’re going to survive the day, regardless of whether you get along or not.

Sebastian can hear music playing in the background, a distance murmur of people and he can hear a door shut, then a thud immediately followed by Chris swearing under his breath. Trying not to laugh, but not really caring, Sebastian chuckles, “Merry Christmas.”

Then there is a silence, a warm comfortable silence, that Sebastian doesn’t want to break, but there is something else, something more, but Sebastian ignores it, pushing it aside, not wanting to deal with that tonight, it’s just the eggnog, he’s had a little too much to drink, how can he interrupt silence anyway. With a shake of his head Sebastian swallows the words that come to mind, the confession that always seems to be waiting to fall off the tip of his tongue, slide between his lips and air to the world. Instead he just listens to Chris breathing on the other end before Chris says softly, “I was really hoping you would text.”

Sebastian is sure he didn’t hear him right, his voice was too quiet, he must have heard them wrong. His voice is almost shy as he asks, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chris answers, his voice barely more than a whisper. There’s a small sound of Chris swallowing, and with Sebastian’s eyes shut he imagines how Chris is pressing his lips together, unsure whether he should say something else. There’s a soft sound in the background and Sebastian hears Chris groan, followed scuffle and then somewhat distantly Chris whines, “Hey no, give it, here, I’m fine, give me.”

“Hey Sebastian, Merry Christmas!” Another voice says, drunk and cheerful, and Sebastian sits up, smiling into the phone, recognising the voice immediately.

“Scott! Hey, Merry Christmas to you too.” Sebastian replies, curious as to why Scott felt the need to take Chris’ phone, but not at all minding the intrusion.

There’s another crash in the background and then Scott is breathing a little more laboured before, his footfalls sounding louder and in the background louder this time, Chris commands, “Give me back my phone.”

“Sorry he’s a little drunk.” Scott apologises, no longer running, and Sebastian can hear Chris whine something in the background, there’s a sound and then another, and Sebastian wonders whether there’s a couch or a kitchen bench between them, and if Chris is ready and willingly to clamber over whatever it is to get the phone.

Still standing alone in the guest bedroom, Sebastian ignores everyone on the other side of the door and answers, “I couldn’t tell.”

“I could take you.” Chris murmurs in the background. There’s a chuckle followed by a groan and a scramble, and Sebastian falls back onto the bed, his eyes fluttering shut as he listens with interest wondering whether Chris will be success in taking back his phone. “Told ya.” Chris shouts triumphantly seconds later. “Fuck.” He mutters and Sebastian chuckles.

He knows Chris is losing now, too drunk to really put up much of a fight, so Sebastian says softly, “Goodnight Chris, Merry Christmas.” Chris starts to reply but then the call abruptly ends, leaving Sebastian alone in the guest bedroom in his mothers house, his phone pressed up against his ear and a smile on his face.

Chris won’t remember the phone call in the morning, and why should he, he didn’t have any drunk confessions, but Sebastian’s thoughts linger on how Chris was _really hoping_ that he would text, and why Scott was so hell bent getting Chris’ phone away from him. Music seeps under the door and Sebastian rolls off the bed, his phone pushed into his pocket and his thoughts brushed aside, for now at least.

-

He didn’t want this fight. He didn’t even start it, or want any piece of it, but he sure as fuck isn’t going to put up with it, there is no way in hell he isn’t going to do anything about. Shy and reserved he may be, but he’s dealt with shit like this before and he’s taken care of it time and time again, this time is no exception.

It’s the 30th of December, just barely, as it’s 2am in the morning, Sebastian is ready for the New Year, he is ready to forget about this year, ready for this year to be over, completely and utterly over. That’s not to say he didn’t enjoy it, he loved specific portions of it, but right now, standing in the elevator, pushed up against the wall, this random guys body pressed against his, caging him in with his fingers wrapped around his neck, he is not loving this year.

He didn’t even want to go and get drinks with these people, had no desire to come to this party, but his agent had said he should, had essentially suggested him up to the point where it was obvious it was no longer a suggestion. He hates to mingle and drink at events such as this, he only ever has one or two, doesn’t like to lose control at these things, although he would prefer to deal with these people with a little more than enough alcohol to take the edge off. Tempted as he may be, he never does, he just nods and talks, his drinks looking alcoholic but never being, never more than two, never at these functions.

“Get off me.” Sebastian repeats, a warning this time, his voice low and commanding. He’s not scared, even though part of him thinks that he should be. Instead he glares, and pushes the man back. He stumbles and almost growls, but lurching forward, landing a punch that Sebastian wasn’t prepared for. He knows who this guy is, he ain’t a exec, he’s practically a nobody, a nobody who Sebastian doesn’t have to brush off lightly, a tactic that obviously won’t go far with this guy.

He doesn’t want to hurt this guy, so he blocks the next punch and pushes the guy back, wondering what on god’s earth is making this lift so slow. The guy sneers as his next blow lands, his knuckles brush against Sebastian’s cheek and he winces, but he doesn’t really feel it, he’s slipping and part of him figures he shouldn’t, but as the guy lurches forward again, not ready to take no for an answer, Sebastian stops resisting, no longer caring all that much for this guys’ fate. If anything it will be a lesson learned; a reminder for this man to never again do this to anyone else. Innocent smiles and soft kind words may be what shape and fall from his mouth, but looks can be deceiving and his body still knows what to do, it’s only being a few months out of training for the Winter Soldier, he doesn’t hesitate for a moment longer as the man in front of him sneers and he sees blood ooze from Sebastian’s newly split lip.

Sebastian slips out of his mind and lets his body take control.

As the lift doors open to reveal his floor, the man is lying in the corner of the lift, his body curled up on itself, clutching his stomach and whimpering, looking pitiful and small, a nice change for him no doubt, Sebastian thinks. Straightening his shirt and wiping at the blood leaking from his lip, Sebastian steps out of the lift and heads towards his room, his strides fast and certain, the man won’t get up for a few minutes anyway, won’t be in a fit state to do anything more for a few weeks at least, hopefully gaining both the sense and bruises to learn not to do it again. Sebastian knows it’s not his fault, he didn’t have much a choice, and he doesn’t feel guilt, no reason to. He does however know that he should probably get out of here, that he shouldn’t stay the night, he won’t be able to anyway, this place no longer feels safe, but he needs to get himself cleaned up first.

-

Body aching and a headache brewing, Sebastian shuts his apartment door behind him, happy to be home. Stripping off, he showers, forgetting to grab a towel so he has to wander through his apartment trying to figure out where he left his washing basket this time. Teeth brushed, he glances at the clock, he has hours before Chris’ party starts. Setting an alarm on his phone he pours himself a glass of water, swallows some pills and climbs into bed.

It’s the 31st of December and he wants to sleep into the next year. Just like he suspected, he got the job he was offered the night before last, and the incident in the elevator was not even mentioned, but that all happened well after he left the hotel just after 4am, knowing that he would be safe, but trusting his instinct to switch hotels anyway.

He lingers on the border of sleep and consciousness, trying not to think but of course failing to do so. For a brief moment he considers not going tonight. He considers just switching off his alarm and sleeping through the party, so if Chris does call, it wakes him, and he can answer honest and groggy, apologising profusely for over sleeping.

Shaking his head, he rolls onto his back, and tries not to groan at the movement but does anyway, it’s not like there is anyone to hide this from alone in his apartment. His eyelids open, and he gazes up at his ceiling, wishing that he had thicker curtains that blocked out the sunlight. In the silence he considers the far-fetched possibility that his bruises well heal and fade, that Chris won’t notice, none of them will, that the party will be drunk and loud and far too busy for any attention to be on Sebastian, that their worlds will be blurred by alcohol, leaving them unknowing and without questions. Groaning he shuts his eyes, and forces himself back to the brink of sleep.

He feels safe at home in his bed, he feels safe with the smell of his apartment wrapping around him, but as he falls asleep, he doesn’t imagine he’s alone, he imagines there is someone lying next to him, their body curled around his, his head tucked underneath their chin, his fingers curled around their shirt, and if that makes him smile, makes him feel safe and happy, then so be it. If he will be seeing that someone in a few hours, then so be it.

This dream is between him and his mind, and Sebastian doesn’t feel all that guilty for what it entails.

-

“Fuck.” Sebastian almost hisses at his reflection, surprisingly shocked at the lack of healing his face had done while he slept.

There is no way he can go now, not looking like this, not his lip still split, with the bruise on his cheekbone darkening, still days away from fading. But then again, he’d promised, he said he’d go, Chris had called, had sounded so fucking eager when Sebastian had said he’d come, so he has to.

He didn’t ask how casual it’d be, doesn’t know what to wear, and part of him doesn’t care, but a larger part of him does, he wants to look- he runs his hand down his face, wincing as he remembers that he shouldn’t do that because it hurts so damn much. He has an hour before the party starts, and he’ll be late, late so he can slip in unnoticed, late so Chris will already have a few drinks in him by the time he arrives, late so the lights will be dimmer and focus will be elsewhere, not on him, not on his bruises or his split lip.

Leaving his cupboard door open, he heads back to the couch, needing to distract himself, needing to get himself to cease obsessing over when to arrive, what to wear and how to act. He knows it’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t mean he can stop it, Chris gets anxiety attacks, attacks that Sebastian more than happily helps him through, so he knows that this isn’t one of those. This is nothing like that, nothing as bad, not in comparison, not even at all. But he still feels stressed, still feels anxious, and he collapses onto the couch, wincing a little before he sighs.

Late is the best option that presents itself to him.

There is no way he can think to hide his bruises, not the ones on his face at least, so he sticks to jeans, tight and black, he knows they make his look longer, slender, he knows it makes his ass look great, but they are also one of the only pairs of clean jeans he can currently find, so he tells himself that it’s not for what they look like, not for what he looks like in them, and definitely not in the hopes that someone will admire him in them. He won’t get ready until it starts, otherwise he’ll be too tempted to leave, and he can’t be on time, can’t be early, has to be late.

-

An hour late becomes two hours late, and finally Sebastian is glancing around his apartment one last time, one hand on the door handle, the other hand holding a bag with Chris’ present inside. Coat wrapped around him, keeping him warm from the snow that he will surrounded by in a few minutes. He doesn’t feel guilty for being late, not really, it’s for the best. His bruise hasn’t magically faded in the extra two hours of time he bought himself but not arriving on time, but he hopes that Chris won’t notice, that none of them will.

The subway is busy and loud, but Sebastian likes it. Likes to be surrounded by their energy, almost everyone is so eager for the New Year to begin, bubbling with excitement, no one is trashed and puking everywhere, yet at least. His phone in his front pocket doesn’t vibrate and a part of him feels disappointed that he hasn’t received a text, but as someone two rows ahead of him starts singing at the top of her lungs, Sebastian smiles, distracted from everything inside his head.

By the time he reaches his stop, he’s forgotten about the bruises, about his split lip, and he doesn’t even remember that he is desperately hoping that no one notices. The cold air hits him as he reaches the staircase, arms wrap around himself, keeping himself warm against the affront of cold. He smiles, his teeth chattering just a little, he loves Winter, loves the snow and the cold, loves how the world looks, how in Winter it feels like anything is possible, how with the threat of snow days and storms life is paused, and the world is beautiful.  He loves how now Winter doesn’t make him feel cold and scared, it makes him feel happy and safe.

With that in mind, he doesn’t even bother waiting for the lift in Chris’ apartment building, instead he climbs up the staircase, his smile reaching his eyes as he tries to remember what floor Chris was on. Outside he can still see the snow, the winter wonderland, and as he hesitates on the landing, knowing this is Chris’ floor. Outside in the cold, the city is alive, a pulse of constant energy and Sebastian smiles.

Reaching Chris’ door he wonders whether to knock or just enter. Music seeps through the door, the sound of laughter drawing him in, so his fingers grip the door handle and he wanders in.

“Seb!” A voice shouts from a few feet away from the door. Sebastian doesn’t even have time to process whose voice it is, before Frank Grillo is pulling him into a hug.

Sebastian is smiling by time Frank pulls back. His eyes scan over him, and as Frank slips his hands into his pockets Sebastian asks, “You leaving?”

“Only popped in for a little bit.” Frank answers, his eyes lingering on Sebastian’s cheek bone before he smiles at him, warm and bright, and Sebastian wishes he had come earlier, he hasn’t seen Frank in months.

He doesn’t sigh, he smiles brightly and says, “Happy New Year.” And he means it.

“Happy New Year.” Frank replies, grinning at him as he buttons up his coat. Making a mental note to catch up with Frank in the next few weeks; Sebastian smiles back as Frank leaves through the door that Sebastian had just walked to. Frank noticed his split lip, reminding Sebastian’s of its presence on his face, and as he turns towards whoever is yelling, “Sebastian!” he hopes that no one else notices.

-

Chris notices.

Emily heads off to get a drink and Sebastian can see it the second Chris’ eyes meet his, the smile that blooms on Chris’ expression pauses then collapses, fading completely as a concerned frown takes it placed, his beer in his hand is left on a surface on his way towards him, and as Chris reaches him, Sebastian can see his arms hesitate and Chris wills himself to stop, not to take another step closer, not to touch him.

“Fuck.” Chris breathes, wanting to ask the question at the forefront of his mind. He should gloss over this, maybe, but he can’t, especially not when Sebastian smiles and starts to play it off as nothing. They both know this wasn’t some accidental clumsy thing that Sebastian could have done himself, he didn’t open the fridge too hard or slip in the shower, this was done by someone else’s hand and Sebastian doesn’t want to outright lie, not to Chris’ face so he smiles and acts like it is totally fine, something that they both know Chris will never accept as an answer.

So many questions speeding through Chris’ brain, crashing and colliding, but one takes priority and his voice loses the confidence and happiness it had only minutes ago as he asks, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Sebastian replies without hesitation, and he means it, here at this party, with all these people that he cares about, he is fine, just not in the sense that Chris is asking.

“Uh huh.” Chris nods, not believing it even a little. He wants to prod further, needs to hear more but Sebastian is chewing on the corner of his lip and Chris doesn’t press the issue, instead he takes Sebastian’s coat, that has been draped over Sebastian’s arms for the last ten minutes, and heads towards the spare room, Sebastian lingering a few steps behind, a bag still in hand.

Sebastian leans against the door frame already looking nervous but as he hands Chris the bag, and he reaches into it, pulling the present out, Sebastian looks infinitely more so and quickly starts, “Your uh, present, the wrapping is-”

“Adorable.” Chris beams and Sebastian drops the rest of the sentence and instead settles for a small nod, unsure of what else to say in response. He’d seen Chris’ interview where he sang Pooh’s Corner, something that he may never mention to Chris, but when he’d seen the wrapping paper three weeks ago he had to buy it, Pooh and Piglet in the snow, he wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to buy adorable wrapping paper, even though he may or may not have had Chris in mind when he bought it.

“I’ll open it next year.” Chris adds, placing the present down delicately on the bedside table and Sebastian smiles, it won’t break if he’s a little rough with it, but he likes how he’s so careful with it, unsure and unwilling to accidentally break whatever is inside the wrapping paper. Next year is only a few hours away and Sebastian isn’t sure he’s still ready for this year to end.

His hands shoved into his pockets, Sebastian waits a few seconds, let’s Chris busy himself with the coats on the bed. Chris’ back to him he asks, “Why the party?”

“Why not? I haven’t seen you,” Chris pauses, seems to hesitate for a breath, but in Sebastian’s mind its longer than a breath, before he continues, “guys, I haven’t seen you all in a while so I thought a party would be a perfect excuse and New Years Eve seemed the way to go.”

Sebastian chews on his lip, listens to the party going on behind him, and he wonders if he should say it, and before he can think, the word slips out between his lips, soft and sincere, and less of a whisper, more of a breath, “Thanks.”

“For what?” Chris turns, he looks genuinely surprised, his eyes wider, the blue deeper as he watches Sebastian, trying to gauge what he is thanking him for, trying to- Sebastian isn’t sure, Chris’ gaze has an edge to it, an edge he is sure he’s imagining, almost sure. 

Despite himself, he looks away, away from Chris’ piercing gaze, confused and concerned, his eyes linger on Sebastian’s face, the bruise on his cheekbone that he couldn’t hide, his eyes skim over the rest of Sebastian, no doubt wondering how many bruises that jumper is hiding, wondering what happened, and Sebastian doesn’t want to tell him, doesn’t want to ruin his party, so instead of answering Chris’ unanswered question, he answers the spoken one, “Inviting me I guess.”

“Seb.” Chris’ voice is soft, a mistake of exasperation and fondness, a tone he often takes around Sebastian. “I couldn’t not invite you.” He shakes his head, catches Sebastian’s expression and struggles to add something else, he didn’t want to sound like he had to invite him, that wasn’t it, no not at all, so he hastily adds, “ I, I wanted to invite you, I’m glad you’re here.”

Sebastian smiles at that, at first a flicker of light on his set expression, and then a full flame, his lips curl and the corner of his eyes crinkle and he smiles, bright and beautiful, and Chris smiles back, somewhat nervously at first, and then he doesn’t think, can’t think, instead he closes the space between them and hugs him, he didn’t hug him at the door, he’s a tactile person, he hugs everyone so this isn’t out of the ordinary, not at all. But he doesn’t hug everyone like this, not that Sebastian knows that, not that he’d tell him that either. He holds him tight, almost clinging onto him for a few seconds.

Sebastian stiffens for a moment, before he relaxes into it, hugs Chris back and tries and fails not to flinch, Chris lets out a puff of air and hesitates a few seconds before pulling back just a little bit, he doesn’t need to ask why Sebastian grimaced, his body is still sore and they both know it’s not because he went a little too hard at the gym this morning. But Sebastian’s arms are around Chris now too, he doesn’t let Chris pull away, not yet. Sebastian’s smile drops and his eyes flutter shut, just for a moment, and he takes a small breath, breathing Chris in, finding some calm before he pulls back completely and Chris follows suit, still smiling, his smile subdued now, dimmed by the confirmation that Sebastian has more marks than those on his face.

Turning to the coats, he busies himself for a few seconds, not wanting to break the silence that is quickly from comfort to something else. Chris shifts, his body turning back to where Sebastian was just seconds ago, but Sebastian is slipping out of the room, out into the crowd, towards Jeremy and Mackie who are yelling, “Seb!” from the kitchen. He wants to follow him, wants to ask what happened, wants to press the issue, but as soon as he leaves the guest bedroom, pulling the door shut behind him, the front door opens again, revealing Scarlett’s smiling face, Romain by her side.

-

Sebastian doesn’t avoid Chris so to speak, not actively at least, well not entirely purposefully. If he slips away from a conversation to chat to someone he just noticed as Chris is approaching then so be it. If he pretends to be very interested in a conversation when he can feel Chris hovering near him no doubt waiting to nudge his way in, then so be it. So maybe he doesn’t want to talk to Chris because he doesn’t want to see that hurt expression as he considers Sebastian’s split lip and bruised cheekbone, wanting to ask how it happened, but wanting Sebastian to want to tell him, not feeling forced into it. They both know Chris already has a few guesses, no doubt a few quite close to the reality of the situation, but that doesn’t mean that Sebastian confirms his suspicions, instead he avoids him just a little bit, and tries to pretend to himself that he doesn’t.

He’s glad he came, happy to see people that he hasn’t seen in varying lengths of time, happy to meet people he’s seen on the screen, or in the credits, or even just heard mentioned by someone else. Chris isn’t the only person he’s slipped away from, two women have flirted with him already, and even though he’s single, not taken by anyone, he smiles politely and slips away from the conversation, not wanting to flirt tonight, not with them at least.

He can smell liquor all around him, on the breath of those he talks to, but he can’t bring himself to have more than three shots and a bottle of beer. A glass of the non-alcoholic punch in hand, he scans the room before sitting down. He doesn’t mean to let his eyes linger on Chris, but then Chris’ face lights up and he grins, laughing at something the person beside him said. He looks gorgeous, Sebastian thinks, and he doesn’t take his eyes off him for a few more seconds, while knowing that he should, that he shouldn’t let his gaze linger, but it’s New Years Eve and he doesn’t care.

“She’s cute you know.” Scarlett says, dropping into the seat beside him.

He quickly looks away from Chris, blushing a little, like he’s just been caught doing something he shouldn’t, in a way he has, but Scarlett doesn’t mention the reddening of his cheeks or the way that Sebastian takes a small sip of his punch before he asks, “Who?”

“The brunette who is making eyes at you, that you are too busy making eyes at a certain someone to notice.” Scarlett answers, smiling knowingly at him as she takes another sip of orange juice. Sebastian’s missed her, even though he’d met up with her just before Christmas, even though he’s spent over twenty minutes talking to her tonight, but he doesn’t miss her knowing everything.

Sebastian chokes on his drink and then takes another sip to stop himself from dying as her gaze flicks to Chris and then back to Sebastian. Still wanting to pretend that he wasn’t ‘making eyes’ at Chris as she put it, that she doesn’t know how he feels, he answers, “I’m not making eyes at anyone.”

“Uh huh.”

“Am I that obvious?” Sebastian groans, slouching into his chair, bringing his hand to his face. He doesn’t notice that across the room, Chris is looking over at him now, wondering why Sebastian’s face is pressed against his palm, and why Scarlett is smiling at him sympathetically.

Unknowing of the attention they both have, Scarlett continues to smile, her hand resting on Sebastian’s arm as she tells him, “Only to me.”  That reassures him a little a he peeks out from between his fingers, letting her pull his hand from his face and steal his glass of punch. She raises her eyebrow, sniffs the drink and he nods, understanding what she’s asking, it’s alcohol free.

For the next five minutes they chat and laugh, Sebastian’ lips hurts from smiling so much but he doesn’t find that he cares. Both of them remain oblivious to the set of blue eyes that linger on them although Chris’ tries his best not to let them.

Sebastian glances at his watch, there is only half an hour till midnight now, and as Scarlett explodes into a fit of laughter, clutching her stomach and spilling a little bit of her drink on her dress, Sebastian isn’t sure why he even considered staying at home.

-

Fifteen minutes left till midnight, people are pairing up, making eyes at each other across the room, nervously asking the person they have been dancing with for the last half hour if they are interested. Chris has no idea what time it is, he still thinks he has plenty of time to spare as he chats away to his guests, making sure that the food hasn’t run out, that the non-alcoholic punch remains that way. Almost everyone came, some left early, had to head to somewhere else, but he doesn’t mind about that, he’s glad they came, glad to spend his New Years Eve with his friends, after spending his Christmas with his family. He can’t help it if his eyes linger on Sebastian, no longer talking to Scarlett but dancing with her, Mackie and Renner, all looking like absolute idiots, and even so Sebastian manages to stay graceful, and after a few seconds he has to look away, has to fight the doe eyed look off his face as he tries to slide back into the conversation he is supposed to be having.

Another few minutes pass, he narrowly avoids a bottle of wine spilt on his carpet, he catches it just in time and is thankful he saw it slip from the corner of his eye.  He manages to spend a full song without looking over to where the people are dancing, he stays interested in the conversation he’s having, and then he heads to the kitchen, his eyes purposefully avoiding a certain space in his apartment.

Two minutes later he’s on his knees in the kitchen wiping up the juice he spilt on the floor when he’d over filled the glass that he held in his hand as he’d looked across the room, thinking that he could focus on pouring while scanning the room. He hadn’t known that his gaze would find something that would distract his mind from the task at hand, that across the room Sebastian was dancing, his tongue trapped between his teeth and his hand running absentmindedly through his hair, looking so goddamn perfect, and Chris’ brain had short circuited. Not that he’s surprised not even a little bit that he was distracted by Sebastian, Scarlett had whistled and Mackie was nodding appreciatively and Jeremy was dancing right along beside Sebastian, and around them the others had paused, watching the four of them, no longer dancing themselves but watching, laughing and grinning and whooping.

Chris wants to peer over the counter, see if they’re still dancing but he doesn’t. Once the juice is all wiped up he spends the next few minutes hiding out on the kitchen floor, pretending to check through the cupboards, searching for nothing at all. Grabbing his glass of juice off the bench above him, he leans against the drawers as he takes a sip. He’s not hiding from anyone, not really, he just needs a little time for himself, after a few hours straight of socialising, he needs a break. His glass empty he is caught by surprise when a voice yells, “It’s almost midnight!”

His head pops up from behind the kitchen bench, and he glances down at his watch, there’s less than a minute left, and he stands up quickly, leaving the kitchen and his glass, as he heads towards where everyone is crowded around the television. It’s New Years in less than thirty seconds now and Chris is smiling, until he remembers the tradition, until he notices the people pairing up, until he remembers one of the main points of this party.

-

“10 seconds!” Renner shouts, and Chris doesn’t just hear the cheering that erupts around him, he feels it, feels it rush through him, and he is smiling, grinning in fact, ready for a new year, ready for what it will bring, and he is scanning the room, looking for one face, one face in particular.

“9!” The music is still pounding in the background, but Chris can barely hear it over his thoughts.

“8!” He is no longer idly scanning the room, he is moving, his legs taking him towards his bedroom, not quite wanting to see what is inside, he said his room was off limits, but he knocks before he enters anyway.

“7!” He pauses, waiting for an answer but the room is silent, and he uses that second to scan the room again, looking for one face, looking for the back of his head, but he finds neither.

“6!” A sigh of relief rushes out between his lips at the sight of his empty room.

“5!” Chris is frantically looking now, he can hear everyone gearing up around him, he can feel Scarlett’s eyes on him, curiously regarding him from across the room, but he knows this is his only shot. Sure if he sees him now, looking nervous and excited and utterly ridiculously it won’t be at all what Chris imagined it to be, but Chris’s life isn’t as suave as he thinks, so he doesn’t mind if he is regarding him with an odd expression, just as long as he finds him.

“4!” He wants the counting to stop, wants everything to pause for just a few seconds, but of course it doesn’t, and as he peeks inside the bathroom, he finds it occupied but the person he’s looking for isn’t there. He’s a hopeless romantic, he admits that freely, the idea that they kiss and midnight as the ball drops, with fireworks in the sky, cheering surrounding them, he thinks that’s perfect, and is one of the predominant reasons for this party in the first place, but he would never admit that to himself, nor anyone else.

“3!” Nothing is slowing down, as much as Chris wants it to, as much as he needs it to, time is going faster if anything, he is moving towards the kitchen now, needing to find him before the ball drops, he knows he wants to kiss him into the New Year, he knows that this can be his excuse to finally do what he has spent months thinking about, obsessing over even.

“2!” He doesn’t evenly really care about New Years, but that’s not stopping is heart from pounding in his chest and his eyes searching frantically, searching for the person he wants to start New Years with, the person he wants to kiss, not just tonight, but every night, the person that he was too damn nervous to kiss before, and had almost kissed, time and time again.

“1!” The room screams, and the ball is dropping and everyone is grinning, cheering, their hands cupping cheeks, their lips moving forward, but Chris is still searching, still scanning the room, desperately trying to find Sebastian, he knows it’s stupid, there is no alcohol he can blame for this decision, he’s barely tipsy. Freezing he scans the heads, his gut twisting, hoping that Sebastian isn’t kissing anyone else, he knows it’s insane, he has no right to be protective of Sebastian, no right to not want anyone to kiss him, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling sick at the thought of Sebastian kissing else tonight, at his party, on New Years’.

Not giving up on his search, Chris checks the bathroom again, his eyes searching, his smile bright as he returns it, but he shakes his head whenever someone gestures for him to come over. For a second he considers texting Sebastian, for a second he considers the possibility that he has left already but as he walks past the door out onto the smaller of the two balconies he glances up at the lone firework that streaks up into the sky and explodes. As the sky is illuminated he notices a figure leaning against the banister, and he recognises those jeans, those legs, and he knows without a doubt that he’s found him.

-

Taking account of the cheering inside, erupting out of the door and all around them, the fireworks currently lighting up in the sky, Sebastian smiles up at the sky, wondering what this year will bring. Behind him, Chris freezes, leaning against the door frame for a few seconds as he works up his nerve. He doesn’t want to intrude, thinking that Sebastian came out here to escape it all, when really Sebastian left to escape a certain sight that he didn’t want to witness tonight. The possibility of this sight had only occurred to him five minutes before the ball dropped, and he forced him out of the room, away from the people and out into the cold, not that he minds the cold anyway.

“Happy New Year.”  Sebastian says, without even turning around. His back to Chris he knows its him without seeing him, and whatever Chris was about to say falls off the tip of his tongue and disappears.

Instead of an actual reply, Chris simply answers, “Yeah.” Sebastian glances over at him, and smiles, soft and sweet and Chris takes it is as encouragement, an invitation onto his own balcony. He doesn’t hang back against the door anymore,

They lapse into silence, leaning against the banister looking out at the city, looking up at the sky colours exploding and erupting, lighting up the city, bringing them into a new year. Chris clasps his hands together, as Sebastian shivers beside him, and tries his best to hide it. The cheering continues, they can both hear Mackie yelling, “Cut the check”, for no apparent reason.

Sebastian chuckles, turning away from the city and towards Chris’ apartment, at the couples smiling at each other, arms wrapped around necks, hands planted on waists, and lips touching. Everyone looks so fucking happy, and it makes Chris smile, makes Sebastian grin for a fleeting moment, the whooping and laughing continues, all glad that the New Year is upon them, even though they aren’t really sure what it will entail.

“Shouldn’t you be in there exchanging salvia?” Sebastian says after a few moments, his voice light, but his eyes don’t quite agree with his tone, don’t quite agree with the way his lips are curling into a smile, his eyes betray him and it makes Chris’ breath hitch, trying to understand what his eyes are trying their best not to tell him.

“Should be.” Chris answers, still staring out into the city, having to look away from Sebastian, not ready to look inside, knowing that if he looks at Sebastian, he’ll say something stupid, knowing that if his arms aren’t folded trapped between his body and the railing, he’ll do something stupid.

Noticing his tone, Sebastian presses, “But?”

He’s not drunk enough, let alone drunk at all, so he doesn’t put his guard down, not completely, he won’t say something stupid, not yet anyway. He doesn’t reply for a few seconds, a firework explodes in the sky in front of them and they stare at it in silence. Even with his back to Sebastian he knows his eyes are on him, but he has no idea what his face looks like right now, and part of him is glad he doesn’t. He shrugs, “But nothing.”

Sebastian opens his mouth and promptly closes it again as another firework lights up the sky. He’s surprised no ones come to join them, but then again there isn’t much room here, and is cut off from view, which is why Chris had such a hard time finding Sebastian out here. The fireworks have ceased, and they lapse into silence, Chris willing himself not to turn, willing his tongue to not move, to not say anything he shouldn’t, and just as he is about to break the silence, Sebastian smirks, “Couldn’t find the right partner?”

Chris chuckles, he hasn’t seen that movie since the premier but he remembers the line, he remembers that scene, the way he had looked at Hayley and pretended that he was looking at Sebastian, the way that he could barely control his face when he looked at Sebastian. Shrugging he turns, turns to face his apartment, to where the wall of heat and the smell of alcohol is wafting towards them and he answers, “Not exactly.”

“Oh?” The word is soft, a breath, a whisper, barely heard over the cheering inside, but it makes Chris take a step closer, a small voice in his head says it’s to make the shivering Sebastian warm but that’s a lie. Sebastian’ eyes are wide, the blue disappearing as the black grows, and Chris isn’t drunk, but he’s still stupid, so he closes the space between them completely, his palm cups Sebastian’s face and before he can think, before he can breathe, he takes the plunge.

Chris’ lips latch on to his, and Sebastian stiffens for a moment, not from the emotion that Chris initially thinks, not at all, he stiffens from shock, not disgust, shock alone holds him still, Chris’s lips soft and tender against his before they pull away, just as abruptly as they had latched on. Sebastian’s brain doesn’t have time to fully wrap around what just happened before Chris is muttering more to himself than Sebastian, “Fuck, I’m, oh shit..” He runs his hand down his face, taking another step back from Sebastian, bringing himself closer to the door, as he finishes, this time looking up at Sebastian, “I’m, shit, so sorry.”

“Why?” Quizzical eyes meet Chris, and those blues pull him in, calming his brain for a moment, a second, and then the calm is over, and his thoughts are colliding and erupting, and Chris is confused and embarrassed, and only a little tipsy, liquid courage had pushed him in this direction, but it was brain, his conscious decision, that had brought him to this moment.

“Cause I, I, shit,” Chris tries to find the words, tries to get a handle on himself, tries to slow down the thoughts spinning around his head, moving too fast for Chris to pull them apart, too fast for him to know what he wants to say, not an excuse, he won’t lie, not tonight, not to that searching gaze, not to the man whose hand is resting on his arm now, trying to calm him down.

Sebastian’s seen this before, this is the start of a panic attack, and can anyone really blame him. Chris shakes his head, unwillingly feels his body relax as Sebastian grips him tighter, grounding him. A distant thought tells him to take a step back from Sebastian, to get his hand off him, but that thought is quickly ignored. Blinking, Chris looks up, at Sebastian who looks so worried, his body so much closer to his than Chris remembers, and Chris’s gaze meets his as he finishes his voice shaking, “I’m not drunk, I just, I really wanted to.”

“Why?” Sebastian asks, he’s curious, and a little hesitant, not quite believing that Chris just kissed him, not quite believing that Chris did it because he wanted to, because he actually wanted to kiss Sebastian, and yet here they are, Chris only two steps from Sebastian, blushing and stammering, and looking at Sebastian with so much god damn love that it is taking everything Sebastian has to ask this question and wait for an answer, when all he wants to do is close the space between them and kiss him back, this time with no pulling away, this time with no uncertainty.

Chris bites back those three words that he so desperately wants to say but he knows that he shouldn’t, so instead he goes with three other words, he breathes, “Cause it’s you.”

Sebastian smiles, a flicker before the flame, he grins at Chris, his eyes raking over his face, searching the bright blue of his eyes, looking for something, anything that tells him this isn’t happening, that Chris doesn’t mean it, but he does, and Chris isn’t sure what to do, simply stares back at Sebastian waiting for him to say something, say anything.

Instead of speaking Sebastian fights to rein in a wider grin but fails, his smile lights up his eyes and Chris isn’t able to look away, not with Sebastian looking so goddamn happy, not with him looking so beautiful, and before Chris can embarrass himself by saying something he shouldn’t, Sebastian kisses him, not wanting to wait another second, needing to taste him, needing his lips against his. The kiss is a little desperate at first, Sebastian pulling Chris towards him, crushing their lips together, needing more of him.

Chris moans into the kiss as Sebastian’s tongue slips between his lips, he tastes like everything Chris loves. Teeth graze his bottom lip and Sebastian’s fingertips are digging into Chris’ hips, and Chris is kissing him back with everything he has. He can’t believe that this is how his New Years is starting, he can’t believe that this is his life, and he doesn’t want to let it slip between his fingers, he believes you should grab opportunities with both hands, so he slips his hands into the back pockets of Sebastian’s jeans and pulls him towards him, taking his ass in both hands. He may not have kissed him at midnight, but he doesn’t care, this is better.

The cheering has stopped as Chris pulls away breathless, his fingers looping into Sebastian’s back pockets, pulling him closer, and he needs to stop, but he can’t, and he honestly has no desire to. Leaning back in for another kiss, a short one, he pulls away and opens his mouth to talk but Sebastian lips are making a path down his neck, pausing at where his shoulder meets his neck, and Chris’ eyes flutter shut and he doesn’t speak for thirty seconds.

When Sebastian’s tilts his head back, his eyes touching Chris’ skin where his lips just let go of, Chris’s voice is barely a whisper as he asks, “I’ll meet you in my room in a sec?”

He isn’t sure what makes him say it, but he knows that he wants to, knows that he can’t keep the question in, knows that this is what he wants, and he doesn’t want to wait, but he will if Sebastian wants to. He wants to take it back, unsure if Sebastian wants to, unsure if this is too fast, unsure about so many things, but sure about one thing. Sure about three words that he can’t say to Sebastian, three words that he wants to, three words that he is sure of, as sure he is that the sun will rise in the morning, that a tide will come back to shore, that the moon will come at night. But he can’t say it, not yet, perhaps not ever.

“Okay.” Sebastian breathes and Chris’ whole body relaxes again, no longer nervous and unsure. Neither of them move, neither of them wanting to let go. Chris’ brain is still catching up, he can still taste Sebastian, and he misses the feel of his lips against his. Sebastian smiles, his sweet innocent smile that shifts into a smirk and his lips are back on Chris’, not ready to stop kissing him, after all this time, Chris just whines in response, not able to protest, not when Sebastian presses his body back up against his, not when his tongue runs along Chris’ bottom lip.

Time and time again he had imagined what kissing Sebastian would be like, but every fantasy paled in the comparison with the actual thing, he didn’t take account of how Sebastian tasted faintly of chocolate, how his mouth was warm and soft against his, how his body melted against his, pliable and needy for more of Chris’ touch, and how Chris’ body reacted to Sebastian’s the same way. He had never quite managed to imagine how Sebastian kissed, how his lips tugged and caressed at his. Everything was so real, so tangible, this was real, Sebastian was kissing him, kissing him back and then Chris’ brain short circuits as their hips align just for a second and then Sebastian is pulling away, smirking at him, his tongue running along his own bottom lip as he slips back into the apartment, knowing full well that Chris’ eyes are trailing after him.

-

Excitement, fear and anxiousness all bubble within him as he searches the bathroom, so glad to find it empty, not wanting to be presumptuous, but not wanting to be ill prepared, he stuffs everything they could possibly need into the back pockets of his jeans, so thankful that his jumper covers it.  He can’t stop smiling, he knows he probably looks ridiculously, rooting through his bathroom with a grin on his lips, feeling absolutely intoxicated, but having it have nothing to do with alcohol.

Because the universe cannot always be a bitch, Chris doesn’t run into anyone on his way to his room, nothing falls out of his back pocket, no one throws up on him, or intercepts him to have a serious conversation. Sure if anyone sees him, grinning like crazy and using all his self-control to make sure he doesn’t run down the hallway, they would think he was drunk off his face, but he couldn’t care less.

“You have a lock on your door?” Sebastian asks as soon as Chris shuts his bedroom door behind him. He is standing in between Chris and the bed, looking nervous, biting down on his bottom lip when he’s not speaking, his eyes raking over Chris, watching, waiting for something. Chris knows the regret, the reluctance to continue that Sebastian seems to be waiting for won’t come, not from him at least.

Chris doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, instead he meets Sebastian’s eye as he locks his bedroom door, grinning as he answers, “I didn’t install it if that’s what you’re thinking, but it does come in handy sometimes.”

“Does it?” Sebastian sounds nervous again, wanting to ask something, but not letting those words slip between his lips.

Chris isn’t sure how to answer for a moment, instead he empties the contents of his pockets out onto the dresser and he answers with his back to Sebastian, “Not that often.” He doesn’t want to tell him that he’s only ever used the lock on his door once, and that had something to do with Sebastian as well, doesn’t want to tell him that he hasn’t slept with anyone in this apartment, even though he’s had it for months. He doesn’t want to tell him any of the thoughts that are currently hurtling through Chris’ mind.

“Hmm…” Sebastian hums, the only sound in the room and Chris lets it fill him up, lets his eyes close for just a moment, lets his body still as he hears Sebastian shift, moving another step closer to him. Hands empty, Chris pauses, not yet ready to turn around, but not wanting to spend another second of this year not looking at Sebastian.

Sebastian kisses Chris as soon as Chris is facing him again, before he can say anything, before he can say those three words that he feels, he knows he feels, but he shouldn’t feel and he definitely shouldn’t say. Seconds last longer, time shifts, and with Sebastian’s lips against his, with his lips demanding, needing more, minutes pass. Chris’ hands settle of Sebastian’s waist, pulling him towards him, before he stumbles forward, trying to find the bed. His body pressed against Sebastian’s now, Sebastian smiles against his lips as he shifts his hips, catching Chris’ by surprise, and forcing a moan from his lips that Sebastian eagerly swallows, desperate for more. Chris lets Sebastian push him back another step as his fingers hooks onto the front of Chris’ jeans.

“And to think I almost put the coats in here.” Chris murmurs to himself as they pull apart breathless. Sebastian chuckles and looks down at his hands, one running through Chris’ hair, the other forcing Chris’ jumper up his torso. Sebastian hand pushes the jumper up exposing more of Chris’ skin but in a brief moment of clarity, Chris’ hand covers Sebastian’s stopping him as he asks, “You drunk?”

Sebastian rests his forehead against Chris’ as he answers firm and clear, “No.” He shifts, his lips brushing against Chris’ before he pulls back, catching Chris’ gaze and giving him a small shy smile.

“Tell me you want this, tell me you want me.”  Chris’ voice cracks, he doesn’t mean to sound so needy, so goddamn vulnerable, but he can’t help it, and right now he doesn’t care. With Sebastian’s body almost pressed against his, with his hands on him, he doesn’t care that he’s needy, because he knows what Sebastian’s lips feel like, how he kisses, the sound of his moans.

“I want you.” Sebastian breathes, words are too tangible, so instead he aligns their hips and kisses Chris again, his lips hot and demanding as he rolls his hips, and Chris is moaning, no longer doubting that Sebastian wants this, wants him, he can feel that Sebastian wants him, that he wants him in the same way he wants him, and Sebastian breaks their kiss to pull Chris’ jumper over his head, along with his shirt and tossing it on the ground beside them before he pushes him back another step, letting Chris fall back onto his bed.

Chris glances up at him, locks his eyes with his, and gestures to Sebastian’s shirt. He props himself up on his elbows wanting to get his hands back on Sebastian, but Sebastian shakes his head as Chris moves again. His fingers curl around the bottom of his jumper and he lifts it up a little, smiling teasingly. Chris sighs and stays unmoving, even though no part of him wants to. Sebastian’s smile only widens at the sight of Chris shirtless on his bed, impatiently waiting for Sebastian to come join him.

A small part of him wants to tease Chris even more, pull off his jumper but leave his shirt, but he knows he can’t tease him for that long, doesn’t want to torture himself, because as much as he loves teasing him, he wants to get his hands back on him, his lips latched onto his. Chris’ brows are furrowed in concentration, it’s obviously taking a lot not to move and that makes Sebastian’s smirk widen, his eyes sparkling as the party continues on, forgotten on the other side of the door.

“See something you like?” Sebastian purrs as he hitches his jumper up a little higher, pulling the shirt up with it. The sound that pushes its way out of Chris’ mouth, the mere expression on his face, nothing but pure want and adoration and need, gives Sebastian pause. And suddenly Sebastian can’t take it a second longer. His jumper and shirt fall to the floor as he moves towards Chris, lets his hands settle on his hips, lets Chris pull Sebastian beneath him, lets Chris kiss him roughly, pushing him into the bed as he moans against his mouth.

Seconds turn into minutes, and Chris’ kisses turn less desperate but no less hungry. Hands roam skin, etching out all of it, discovering every crevice, all of it so new, but hopefully one day it will become familiar territory. Sebastian’s lips are intoxicating, and as Chris’ lips finally manage to leave his, he watches Sebastian through his lashes, as he licks a strip across Sebastian’s jaw.

-

Chris has to pry his eyes from Sebastian, and tear his lips from Sebastian’s shoulder as he moans, “Shit Seb.”  He can’t stop looking up at him through hooded lids, can’t get enough of the way Sebastian bites down on his bottom lip, the way his face looks, an expression that Chris has never seen before tonight, but can’t imagine ever forgetting, can’t imagine living without it.  Sebastian’s is peering down at him, his lips bitten red and making Chris unable to stop his eyes from trying to remember everything; he doesn’t want to forget any of this, not a single detail.

Sebastian freezes just a little, his body stiffening, almost nervously he asks, “What?”

“You’re - fuck- you’re gorgeous.” Chris breathes, his voice barely heard over the party that is continuing on the other side of his bedroom door. He can’t help but stare, taking everything in, he’s allowed to stare now, he’s allowed to kiss every inch of Sebastian, there is so much he’s allowed to do but he isn’t able to do any of it as Sebastian hooks his foot around his ankle and flips the two of them. He kisses Chris, soft and chaste before he is moving his lips across Chris’ jaw, down his neck and when he reaches the base he pauses, looks up at Chris through his lashes and then smirks before latching his lips onto Chris’ skin and Chris’ eyes flutter shut. Sebastian’s already left a soft mark on the other side of Chris’ neck on the balcony, but this will take longer to fade, they both know that.

Chris knows he should stop him, that he’ll definitely have to wear collared shirts for a few days as a result of this, but he doesn’t care, not even a little bit, the idea that Sebastian is branding him, that Sebastian is claiming him as his own, is calming and makes Chris’ breath catch as he tries not to squirm. A content sigh travels up his throat, and as it is about to fall off the tip of his tongue, it transforms, becomes a moan, as Sebastian’s fingers slip into Chris’ briefs, his lips still sucking.

“Bash-a” His name was meant to come out as a question, but it breaks, two halves made whole again as Sebastian rolls his hips, and Chris moans the name, making it sound less like a word, less like a question, more of a plea, a promise, a prayer. Sebastian smiles against Chris’ skin, and that doesn’t help prevent the full body shudder that Chris feels coming, which is only spurred on by Sebastian removing his lips from Chris to grin at his work.

Sebastian’s lips are on his collarbone now and Chris tries again, “Basha?” this time the name comes out as a question, he is barely holding it together, not as Sebastian trails kisses down his torso, his eyes running over him, taking in every inch as he hands map it out for him, long fingers brushing against Chris’ everything, not staying on anything, not gripping onto anything, simply wanting, no, more than that, needing to touch all of Chris, needing to reassure himself that this is real, saving it into memory because he doesn’t believe it will happen again. Or at least so Chris thinks, and he doesn’t want Sebastian thinking that, even though he can’t help thinking that himself.

His lips brush against Chris’ skin as he asks, “Yeah baby?” Chris heart skips a beat and his breath hitches, and he can see Sebastian pause for a moment, just realising the extra word that slipped from his mouth without thought nor permission, but Chris smiles, bright and blazing, and Sebastian relaxes, smiling back at him.

Chris has to look away, getting lost in the depths of those blue eyes, he stares down at the mattress, his hands still on Sebastian, unable to move them, not wanting to move them either as he starts, his voice uncertain and shaking, “I uh, I think, no fuck, I don’t think, I know, I uh, I lo-“

“Don’t.” Sebastian cuts across him, his whole body freezes and he looks up at Chris, his smirk replaced by a sad smile, one that Chris doesn’t understand, not even a little bit. Chris doesn’t move, wondering why he had to talk, why he had to fuck it up, but Sebastian doesn’t shift, he just keeps that sad smile and he adds, “If you still want to tell me in the morning, tell me then.”

“But I-” Chris starts almost desperately. He needs Sebastian to understand that isn't the nervous energy from New Years, this isn’t the alcohol that took the edge off, this isn’t the party or the music, or anything out of his control, this isn’t a last minute random why not, this isn’t a one night only event. This is something that he wants, has wanted, for far longer than he is willing to admit to anyone, even himself. But Sebastian’s lips move, his hands distract him, and he swallows the rest of the sentences as he lifts his hips and Sebastian eases his jeans down his legs and onto the floor.

There is nothing subtle about the way Sebastian is looking at him now, nothing subtle about the way he wets his lips as his eyes linger on Chris, Chris who is now completely naked, lying on the bed he’d made only this morning, propped up on his elbows and nervous smile on his face as he watches Sebastian’s expression.  Chris blinks, his eyes closed for a fraction longer than necessary, and when he opens them Sebastian is crawling over him, his lips on his as he pushes Chris’ body against the bed, still in his jeans, still wearing far too many clothes for Chris’ liking.

“Chris.” Sebastian moans against Chris’ skin as he kisses his way back down Chris torso, this time not stopping at his hip, and he pauses, his lips lingering, his teeth digging in for a second before his gaze flicks to Chris and his voice is firm and quiet as he says, “You want me to stop?”

“God no.” Chris manages to get out, his hands gripping Sebastian’s shoulders as he shakes his head, and Sebastian smiles, the last little bit of tension leaving him as he meets Chris’ eyes, his pupils blown and his cheeks flushed and Sebastian cannot believe he even thought for a second that Chris wouldn’t want him.

Chris wants to tell him those three words, he has to, but he pauses and watches Sebastian’s tongue flick over his lips as he shifts himself. Chris blinks and feels Sebastian’s hands on his thighs pulling him to the edge of the bed, and Chris cannot even think as he opens his eyes, Sebastian on his knees in front of him, smiling at him, his fingers wrapping around Chris’ hand, guiding it to his head and then Chris gasps-

“Basha.” He moans, his fingers pulling at Sebastian’s hair, his brain focussing on not moving his hips, it is taking everything he has not to do that, especially as Sebastian keens and moans and Chris is trying his best to keep himself together-

He moans again, his hand fisting in Sebastian’s hair and-

He won’t last long, he knows he won’t, especially not when Sebastian’s eyes open and he glances up at him, smiling as he shifts his hand, and wraps his fingers around Chris’ hand, telling him what to do and god Sebastian looks so perfect, and Chris bucks his hips, and Sebastian moans and Chris bites down on his lip hard enough to draw blood and as he fingers curl tighter around Sebastian’s hair, he does it again-

Distantly he hears the metal of a zip and he forgets that the world exists out of this room-

“I’m, I, fuck Basha you need to stop, I-” Chris murmurs, his words jumbling in his head, and he tries to let Sebastian know, but he doesn’t pull back, doesn’t stop, instead he glances up at Chris and the corners of his lips curl upwards and Chris’ eyelids flutter shut.

He feels it coil in his spine, he feels it only for a moment before it hits him, full force and he lets out a strangled sound, not even hoping that the music of the party covers it, he doesn’t even care right now, doesn’t even consider that there is a world that exists without Sebastian’s mouth, without nails biting into the flesh of his thigh.

A few seconds, maybe a few minutes later, he blinks the room into focus, Sebastian’s mouth no longer on him, his face is resting against his thigh, and Chris’ gaze drops and he moves to help when Sebastian begins to moan, and all Chris can think to is lean forward, and press his lips against Sebastian’s, swallowing his moans, his cries, a litany of words in a language he doesn’t recognise that spill from Sebastian’s lips.

Chris lazily kisses him through it, his hands soft as he pulls Sebastian up off the floor, pulls him into his lap and keeps kissing him, until Sebastian’s eyes refocus and he is kissing him back, his hands on Chris again and he glances up at Chris, their eyes meeting as he smiles shyly and Chris can’t not say it anymore, he has to say it now.

“I love you.”

Chris doesn’t even feel them roll off the tip of his tongue, he hears them, they are nothing more than a breath, and for a second wonders if it was him that said it and Sebastian pauses, his gaze flickers to Chris’ face.

Chris repeats them, louder this time, “I love you.” And god those three words feel so perfect rolling off his tongue, those three words directed at Sebastian make him feel light. He smiles, those three words floating around them.

“Chris-“ Sebastian starts, and Chris shakes his head, not noticing the way Sebastian’s eyes light up or the way the corner of his lips lift, a smile starting. Chris thinks of what Sebastian said, how he should tell him in the morning, and he doesn’t want to let Sebastian think that this is anything less than real.

“I’m not just saying that cause of what happened, I mean sure, I love your mouth, but I love you Basha. I love how you always steal sips of my coffee, I love how you are so kind and so perfect and how when you smile you light up the fucking room, I love that you are so grumpy in the mornings and that you call me sometimes when you’re drunk at 4am. I love that-“ Chris is grinning like a maniac, barely thinking of each word, he just lets his tongue do the work, his brain on override, there is so much to list, so much to say, and Chris feels his thoughts colliding, desperate to let Sebastian know, desperate to-

“I love you too.”

Chris pauses, the next word frozen on the tip of his tongue. His gaze shifts, and blue eyes meet his, and Sebastian is smiling, no, grinning up at him, and Chris’ breath catches and he wants to whoop and shout at the top of his lungs but instead, he blinks, trying to process those four words that he had never thought Sebastian would say to him, that he never thought were possible.

Thoughts crashing around him, his heart pounding in his ears he asks, his voice so disbelieving, his eyes so wide and innocent and needy, “Really?”

Sebastian sighs, sounding just like Chris does, a mixture or exasperation and fondness. Lips brush, and Sebastian rests his forehead against his as he grins, “Yes really, you fucking meatball.” Chris chuckles, grinning at Sebastian, his heart exploding and Sebastian is grinning, and neither of them even remembers that there is a party still happening on the other side of Chris’ locked bedroom door.

Outside snow is falling from the sky, painting the world white, and Chris cannot think of a time he has ever felt this happy, and then Chris is kissing Sebastian again, desperate and needy, loving and sure, and Sebastian is tipping them backwards, trapping Chris' body between himself and the mattress, his mouth warm and his lips soft, and Chris can taste himself on Sebastian's tongue.

Everything is perfect, everything is beautiful, and this is the best New Years that Chris has ever had, and Sebastian rather agrees with that.

-

**Author's Note:**

> My first RPF so I apologise for anything that may offend anyone, the year this is set in is not specific and they are both single in this fic and I’m not even sure that Chris has a New York apartment, but for the sake of this fic he does.
> 
> Feel free to come visit me on [ tumblr ](http://alwayswithatoneofsurprise.tumblr.com/), hope you enjoyed my first shot at evanstan, hopefully the first of many, but only time can tell...
> 
> Happy New Years :D :D
> 
> Utterly unbeta-d so mistakes are mine and mine alone. A little rushed as well, so I apologise for any errors I overlooked.


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